Saturday, 16 November 2019

Boxes of Life

My very essence is made up of multi dimentional and multicoloured boxes. A weird statement you have to admit but only recently, have I realised this. Its makes things so much easier to understand and deal with. It simply is who I am, what nature and nurture has made me. It doesn't mean I can't or won't change. After all, they are my boxes and I am in charge of what to do with them.

I figured this out during nurse training, it was reinforced during my Fine Art course. It hit me out of the blue, was slightly overwhelming to begin with, but has continued to make more sense as I age.

Think of it like this.

Life experiences, good and bad, are filed away into a series of boxes. They metaphorically live under the bed or rather in the darker reaches of the brain where a large torch is needed and holding the hand of James Bond or Indiana Jones wouldn't go amiss!

A lot of people ignore them once filed and just get on with things, seemingly unaffacted. Others ignore them for different reasons, that is up to them. Some people take them out, shudder at what they contain, allow them to fester some more before putting them back.

I examine all mine, almost routinely, when I feel I am not coping. I find my torch to see if I can find the box that is causing the problem. Boxes are opened, their contents dragged out and scattered all around me. Elements are filed away for when I am stronger or have the knowledge on how to deal with them. Others are dealt with, with newly gained knowledge and some thrown away. Anything else left in there is filed back under the bed. It can be very daunting but also very cathartic.

There are occasions when I simply can't find what I am looking for, what is causing the problem. Other occasions when I know what is causing the problem but simply don't know how to deal with it for the best. This is when my depression surfaces.

I don't find depression scary, it is what it is, it is part of me. It too is multi dimentional and multi coloured. For some, depression is caused by life events. For others a chemical imbalance in the brain is the cause. It can either be intermittent or permanently there.

I can live with and deal with my underlying depression quite easily most of the time because I don't let it define me. It simply simmers below the surface waiting for a chance to surface and cause havoc. It has surfaced, it will be dealt with and kicked back into touch. I might be able to sort it out, I might not and will need help.

Depression is a strange bedfellow but it is my bedfellow.



14 comments:

  1. I too have boxes but mine are piled up ,on view to me all the time , constantly being re arranged in order of priority and what can be coped with, sometimes I wish I could kick them all down! It seems the only thing that stops me doing this is the responsibility I still have for two adult sons with problems but occasionally it's all too much, I have a major wobble and hopefully tidy up my pile of boxes and start again. i have tried help before in the form of anti-depressants but didn't get on with them. I do hope you feel better soon and find you can shove the majority of your boxes back under the bed and enjoy the " happy " boxes, best wishes, Chrissie.

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    1. Just got to find the happy boxes, they must be behind the junk somewhere!

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  2. You have great insight into your own stuff, not everybody does. It's a good way to look at things, to have everything separated and in boxes of their own, and to try dealing with it one box at a time, either emptying it or examining it all and then packing it away neatly. I suffer with reactive depression, meaning my depression is always a reaction to something that's occurred, usually some weeks after the event. I hope you can deal with whatever boxes are bothering you right now. And I agree - life is not for the faint-hearted!

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    1. Reactive depression is my near to final stage of my own kind of depression. When I am reacting negatively to those occurrences, the torch, already in use, needs a stronger bulb. Unfortunately I don’t have any single element in its own box. Each is a mixture of good, bad and indifferent. Like you though, lack of sleep is not helpful:(

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  3. I have always envisioned filing cabinets in a dusty store room. It's a room I try to stay out of as much as possible as the files are not in the right order and some are not what I want to see at this time of my life.

    God bless.

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    1. Sometimes there is no choice if one wants to check out a problem. Boxes have to be opened to haul out worries about the same or similar problems to see how to best deal with them. I am a fighter by nature and not one to ignore things if possible.

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  4. Wow, what an insight on how you personally deal with stuff. I'm a talker, so often things are batted away before they hurt. But sometimes I get that horrible feeling of foreboding, things are about to go wrong.... unfortunately I'm normally right. Exercise is my get through it medication. I walk for hours listening to podcasts, books or radio plays.

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    1. If you have no-one to talk to or want to talk to it can make it more difficult. It generally sorts itself out in the end.

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  5. As the others have said, you have incredible insight. I'd never have worked that out myself.
    xx

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  6. I think, perhaps you share my motto at such times - this too will pass.
    Hope it passes quickly for you. Love, prayers and a hug x

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  7. That is a brilliant way to describe everything.

    Where you have your boxes I have things bricked up in little cavities. I can unbrick and exhume things to re-examine or leave them hidden far away gathering dust in their own space. Sometimes the bricks crumble and unexpected things are revealed at the slightest comment by someone … I should use better bricks :-(

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    1. I should permanently seal some of my boxes.

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