Friday, 17 November 2017

It's official...

I must be a ghost! I feel as though I am fading into insignificance, with no role to play in life. A bit like a train wandering aimlessly on never-ending tracks, calling in at a friends station, or a role playing station, but no-one gets on.

Maybe its a return of the empty nest syndrome, but that happened long ago - didn't it?

I had an interesting chat with my hairdresser the other day, when she came to cut my hair.

She was saying why, when she is a good person, and would go to the end of the earth to help people out, is she without really good friends and few good acquaintances? I thoroughly understood where she was coming from and told her so.

When we first moved here, I had one or two really good acquaintances who went on to become very good friends. The kind you could talk to about anything and we would all try and help, even it it was just listening. We didn't get in each others way or become a nuisance to each other by over-visiting, but would meet for a coffee, cake, and chat to sort ourselves out.

Jobs and university courses got started, one moved away, grandchildren began to arrive for another, a new partner for the other and before you knew it, we had drifted apart. It was me that kept in touch, occasionally asking to meet for a coffee until in the end, I gave up asking, in the mistaken belief that I would be missed and they may get in touch for a meet up.

Several years passed and intermittently, I would again get in touch, we would meet up once or twice, and then it would all revert to me 'doing the chasing' once again, so I gave up - again.

Like my hairdresser, I consider myself a good egg, willing to compromise and help where possible, but just where does being a compromising good egg get you - trampled on I reckon, by those who should know better, who probably believe, that because you don't protest, it must be okay to keep messing you around, falling in and out of touch or not being in touch enough!

WELL IT AIN'T.

Whilst being willing to compromise to the nth degree, when and where possible, that doesn't mean I don't mind or feel deeply hurt by having to do it constantly.

Frankly, I am getting to the 'self preservation' stage, where it would be all too easy to either sever ties completely (feels like cutting off my nose to spite my face) or telling people what I REALLY think of their constant thoughtlessness (and risk making the situation worse).

One thing is for sure though, something has to change, because I can't keep allowing these situations to go on, feeling so incredibly sad about them and feeling useless into the bargain, without a role to play.

I might still have another 20 - 30 years to live, but frankly, at the moment, I feel I would be existing rather than living them!

Hairdresser feels the same - it is at times a sad and lonely world don't you think? Therefore, I have reached the conclusion that I must be a ghost - simply invisible.




33 comments:

  1. No you are not a ghost - you are out there somewhere!
    I don't have any "girlfriends". We live such a different way of life to most people. But I've found I'm very self sufficient.
    Cross the border into Suffolk and come and visit!

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    1. Thanks Sue. I hate having a moan when others are in worse situations than me. I think it is because as a child and adult, we moved so often, no roots were put down or friendships developed.

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  2. I know the feeling well.

    My best friend, complete confidante and really the other half of me, died suddenly in 2004 and since then I haven't really made any 'good' friends. I have lots of acquaintances and people that I chat to on the occasions I see them, I'm out and about chatting to complete strangers most days, but sometimes it does feel like I am are doing all the running and having to make extra efforts just to keep this up.

    I could quite easily withdraw into my tortoise like shell here on the holding and never speak to anyone but family ever again. (Oh and even family usually expect me to be 'the organiser' of get togethers and be the one to make suggestions about where and when we should meet up.

    Maybe you and your hairdresser should go out and paint the town red once in a while :-)

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    1. Thanks Sue, at least we have our walking days so that is good.

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  3. I get you totally, I too feel like I've become invisible since we moved from a busy Midlands town down to here in lovely rural Somerset. Admittedly, most of our friends and family still live in the Midlands - but we're only a phone call, text, internet or 3 hours drive away, we haven't moved to another continent! You'd have thought so though, for all the contact we have from them, it always seems to be us who make the effort to keep in touch. I have a 'best friend' whom I've known for 10 years who lives down here, they used to live 30 mins drive away but moved to within 5 mins of us at the beginning of the year....I now see them less than I did before they moved! Luckily we have made friends with a couple who moved into our road just before Christmas, but they're about our only real friends now. Sad, isn't it? Yes, I also reckon you should get together with your hairdresser for a good old chat sometimes.

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    1. It has crossed my mind, I know her well enough. Just how many of us are feeling like this?

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  4. I'm with you on this one!
    I'd say my best friend is my hubby. I lost contact with all my "friends" years ago. I meet up once every 3 months with one of my ex work colleagues (who's also in the same boat) for a chat/coffee. Even though we have 3 grown up children who've flown the nest now, life can be quite solitary at times. I'm an only child as well so have no siblings - I'd love to have a sister! I've always been an introvert anyway, preferring to stay out of the limelight but now and again I do crave some female company.

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    1. Again, I have reached out and plan to have coffee soon. We’ll see where things go after that.

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  5. Wish I lived closer, but glad we can chat in other ways. x

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  6. I hear you! I think it is the same for more people than you realise. I get so tired of being let down and even used at times, often seen as a soft touch. X

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    1. I find it more difficult around Christmas as it used to be my favourite time of year but everyone is busy then, doing their own thing.

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  7. My situation is different but the same. I have lots of friends, we meet regularly, WhatsApp each other, go away together a couple of times a year. It was my family that had become selfish and thoughtless. I blamed myself but when they did nothing for my 60th last year I think they were visibility shocked by how hurt I was. I also told them how they made me feel. I'm not a doormat and I'm not made of stone, I had feelings. Things certainly changed after that and I'm no longer backwards at coming forwards. I say what I mean now and it makes me feel better because I'm not holding those feelings in.

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    1. Oh dear, well done you in saying something. I feel I need to say the correct thing at the right time, so will hope to deal with things when I sort myself out!

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  8. I now know that I'm not on my own and in a very sad way it has made me feel a bit better. I have no friends full stop, I think I'm a nice person, I try to help people etc but so many people don't want to know so over the years I think I must be an invisible person as well. Why don't they see you? Like Tania it never ceases to amaze me when you do so much for the rest of your immediate family they never think that it would be nice to occasionally put themselves out for you, it's not about presents etc but just a little thought sometimes. Sorry to ramble on but I thought it was just me that felt like this, I do get lonely but hide it well and when I'm put on for whatever I do it with a smile because I'm just happy to be useful.
    Sorry for rambling on, Jane

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    1. Everyone is free to ramble here Jane! More power to our invisible elbows.

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  9. I think it's a very common thing, a theme that crops up all to frequently. I remember about 15 years ago I was chatting with the "Saturday Girl" at a shop I managed and she was saying his frustrating it was to not be taken seriously due to her age. A customer said to her "wait until you're in your 50's, you'll be invisible". That's always stuck with me.

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  10. Hi! As tania says, some people need things spelling out for them. What have you got to lose?
    Sounds like you and your hairdresser could do with pairing up for coffee or two. Again, what have you got to lose?
    Good luck
    Gillx

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  11. This post made me sad that you feel that way. I think there will always be people who take advantage of those of us who don't speak up. Still at 59 I find it easier to just let it go. Cheryl

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    1. Most of the time I can but it bites me occasionally.

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  12. I have one good friend that I share coffee with. That is it. The rest of the time (especially with Harvey's family) I feel invisible. You are not alone in feeling this way.

    God bless.

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    1. I just need a mate to have the occasional coffee with to make a difference.

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  13. Oh my goodness! I have actually been sitting on a similar post for the last week, trying to decide whether to publish or not. Thanks for starting this conversation because I think it's one we need to have

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  14. I think your post will be read with fellow feeling by a lot of us.
    I have found that friendships change as I age and my life activities change.
    The friends I made in my thirties when the children were small are the ones I've stayed in touch with.
    Later ones have been transitory and associated with common activities; when the activities stopped the friendships faded.
    Real friends are ones you can pick up with immediately even though it may be a year since you last spoke to each other.
    Often I am the one who gets in touch but I'm happy to make the effort because I'd be bereft without them.
    One childhood friend and I didn't see each other for about 20 years just because of circumstances. Recently we met up again and it's as though the years between never were.
    I think the way of life today goes at such a fast pace that people are organised so much that there's very little time for social contact other than on line.
    I do hope that you find a mate to have coffee and a laugh with, perhaps your hairdresser who's obviously feeling lonely? Sue

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    1. Just out today for a meetup so that has helped for a while.

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  15. Heartfelt post and there are many of us feel similar about life in our later years-" the cloak of invisibility" falls on pur shoulders. I try to do lots of volunteering work but I realise that people take advantage of me so have started to say NO. I don't give a reason and if they are rude enough to ask, I say NO again! Please continue to blog as there are lots of us here to give you support. Catriona

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    1. Thank you my dear. I have no intention of stopping blogging.

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  16. Kettle just going on now if you fancy a cuppa! x

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    1. Thanks, just had one at a similar time!

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  17. It's the time of the year. I don't feel 100% at the moment, the days are soooo short.

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